Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Untitled (because I couldn't think of one)

[This started out as a reply to a comment in one of my earlier posts but got so big I decided to put it here]

I'd kill for a telecommuting job. I could work all kinds of stuff but no one in the area want to do it. They all want bodies in the seats. Thus, I have an interview tomorrow with the manager of the video rental place I mentioned before.

Heh, I understand the concept of OO. It's the implementation that trips me up. I guess my mind only works procedurally. No, that's not really true. What little I've played with Eiffel has been a treat. I don't like programming languages that need crap like header files. Libraries and copybooks (it's a COBOL term) make sense. But defining important things in a way that they are unseen and must be memorized is crazy. Java would be great if it weren't for the runtime implementation. Do yo know how many JRE's are installed on my system. Each just to run the desired app? Stupid is to lenient a word, IMNSHO

There are some very fun languages floating around these days. To many to keep track of. I ran into a language that looked really sweat. It's implementation was with both an interpreter and a compiler. You could design and develop as fast as you can with shell or perl or ruby (another very nice language, I might add) but once done you compile it into an executable and off it goes. Unfortunately I can't remember the name of it. I know it starts with the letter "L". There's another called Qu which could turn out to be something quite soon.

There's just to much... stuff! And not enough time to learn...

Erik, I do know what the problem is. I've just been avoiding thinking about it for over a year. There's to much going on that I have no control over. The constant pain has worn me down like a boulder on my shoulders. I have never been good with self-discipline and have almost no motivation. I'm not what the HR people term a "self-starter". Even after all these years with Linux there's still that little voice telling me that I am not good enough to accomplish anything. In the last 25 or so years the voice has gotten quieter; it was barely a whisper up until, oh, about the beginning of 2004. Since then I've been in a tailspin. If I don't get a job soon I could lose physical custody of Joseph. The amount of stress I've been causing my mother and the rest of the family only adds to the weight. My automatic response to this kind of situation is to shutdown and go into hermit mode. It's a real accomplishment just to get showered and dressed. And forget about going outside. But I need to find a way out of this maze my mind, and life, have put me in.

I still love coding. Even now, it makes me feel exhilaration when I hack. My problem is that I don't know what to hack on. I'm not good at coming up with ideas, just good at implementing them. A while ago I came up with a plan, and even started on it. But it seems like there's something always getting in the way. Focus is my real Achilles heel. I get side tracked by the slightest new app or tool or language or whatever is on freshmeat today. I need to find some way to focus and get things starting. Once I get going I'm fine but I think first gear is broken. First thing is to get back up to having an income that can cover the necessities. If I can get rent, food, utilities, medical, etc. taken care of I'll be in a much better position to try and jump on the "real" programmers wagon.

UPDATE: I forgot to mention the language Eleven. This was a gross mistake on my part. Both Qu and Eleven are very much worth looking at, IMNSHO.


  1. I think I recognize your problem as one that I had a few years back: biting off more than I can chew. When the ocean of options grows and everything feels like it's a top priority, nothing is a priority. It becomes overwhelming looking at ALL THAT STUFF that needs to be figured out, making even something as simple as starting a project too immense of a task to deal with.

    Am I close? (Probably not.)

    My advice would be to stop collecting and start using. You won't get anything out of Eleven or Qu that will be any better (or more useful career-wise) than what you'd get from mastering AppleScript or some other language that folks actually use.

    Really. That's just my opinion, though. (Want a project to hack on? Forget about the stuff I made for the CHPC web site and write your own. You can have what I wrote, of course, but you sound like you're lacking projects to hack on, so...)

    As for lack of motivation, I think you have your motivation right in front of you: custody of the kid. If that's not motivation I don't know what is. Life is beating you down, I know, but it sounds like you're beating yourself down as well. Kids, wives/companions, employers, etc. are great to have around and can provide lots of entertainment and distractions (and in the case of employers, money). Unfortunately they only have so much power to turn things around for you. Somehow you need to figure out a way to keep going that doesn't rely so much on outside influences. I don't know how to do that, of course, but it sounds like that needs to happen.

    (Sorry I can't be more helpful. I don't know your situation beyond what you offer in email and on this blog.)

  2. Am I close?

    Heh, any closer and we'd be wearing the same underware.

    I've actually looked at AppleScript and it's very interesting (and very fun to use). If only it weren't so single minded.

    Somehow you need to figure out a way to keep going that doesn't rely so much on outside influences.

    It would be easier if I wasn't so doped up. Or if I had someone to lend a hand.

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