Thursday, July 14, 2005

**Censored**

I FUCKING HATE THE UNIVERSE!!!

Not six hours after I posted my "Keep your shit together, man, and don't fuck-up anything with the girl" ramblings I go and fuck it up. Damn, I'm swearing a lot. I'm just so pissed-off today it's not even funny. Maybe it's the weather or something. It doesn't help that I'm still sitting here with absolutely no hope. Comcast's piece-of-shit "broadband" Internet service has been killing me as well. I spend more time a day not being able to connect to anything than I do connected. How the fuck can I get anything done with this kind of service? And now, to top it all off, I can't find the bloody book I was reading. A short story collection by Isaac Azmov, the greatest writer in the known (and unknown) universe. Oh, which reminds me...

I HATE THE FUCKING UNIVERSE!!!

Thought I'd switch it up a bit. Just for variety.

Man, when I go down in flames it's damn near spectacular. I spend nearly an hour on the phone talking to my potential. It started out good and all was fine until the discussion got onto the general aspect of what she's looking for in a man. The more I talk about who and what I am the less promising I look as a suitor. This seems to happen when we talk in the phone or by email. The language thing again. At least she's agreed that we should get together to do any more talking about this kind of stuff. But it still isn't likely that it will make up for it. Maybe she was right the second time about me not being the right man for her. But if that's the case why the surprise phone call? And what the heck can I do about who and what I am? I mean it's not like I can...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Pardon me, I'm pondering this over a bit. It seems to help when I write it down. I'm going to leave this post open ended for now and comeback later when I get my head sorted out.

2 comments:

  1. Sorry to bring up unhelpful topics again, but I think it's worth repeating that SHE may not be the right person for YOU. Hopefully she is, of course. However, you're not the only person who needs to consider the other's "criteria." Don't feel like this entire relationship hinges on you. After all, she's not the only one who needs to be happy.

    Just a thought.

    (And no more fucking cussing. This is a family joint. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I know, I know. Knowing it is one thing but feeling it another. However, the ponderous thought I eluded to at the end of this post is just exactly that.

    See, we'd already agreed that we weren't the one for the other last year. I still thought of her (she had all the bullet points for The Perfect Woman<tm> - Asian, Techie, Accent, with/wanting kid(s)) but that was only in passing on occasion, like once or twice or thrice a month. It was she that called me out-of-the-blue last week. No details here (see accompanying email later) but suffice to say that my zero to boyfriend post was not an exaggeration. Plus there's the weight of the "You are never going to find a mate, buddy, so latch onto anything that passes by" thing. It all messes with my head.

    But the point is that I wasn't the one to start all this up again. If she does want me then she gets me as who and what I am -

    crippled
    old
    young
    smart
    funny
    insecure
    moderately good looking
    musically inclined
    techie
    low (no?) motivation
    unorganized
    forgetful
    loving

    If she doesn't want me then there's nothing I can do about it. I did get a haircut and beard trim for her and I brought her flowers the other day when I visited. These are both things that I don't mind and have no problem doing. Things that I'd do even if she didn't comment on them. But that's the extent of change I can realistically make. And you are right, if she doesn't want or can't have me as I am then she isn't the woman for me.

    You know, I don't have the time and energy for this, do I. I can't wast what little I have on emotional outbreaks. Damn! E-man. Thanks for the boot to the head.

    ReplyDelete