Thursday, July 14, 2005

Ok, maybe I got some sanity now

A great man gave me some words of wisdom, and a boot to the head. This, along with the thoughts my previous post brought up have made me realize I've been looking at the whole thing through my ear hole. Bass ackwards, as it were. It's all about me. No one else, just me.

I was asked today why, when leaving voicemail, I refer to myself as "Just Joe."
"Hi there. It's just Joe. I was calling to..."
Why? I'll tell you why.

!WARNING! Long roundabout story follows !WARNING!

Because I didn't want them to think it was an important call. There's a LOT of stuff that this indicates about me. None of it positive. See, I've had a mega-huge inferiority complex since I was, well, since forever. There are many reasons for it, all external to my being. It wasn't until high school when I realized that I was ok. I was someone who wasn't getting the shit kicked out of him daily. This stemmed from playing football. Not like in the movies, not like "Friday Night Lights" or "Varsity Blues." This was in Germany where I went to the American high school. We played for a hand full of fans, mostly family. But the play was real and the caliber was much better than people in the States would believe. I played all four years and my dad was the head coach. I got no special treatment from him nor did he ride me harder than any of the other players. Over the years I evolved into the starting center my senior year. After a few practices and the first three games I was considered the anchor of the offensive line. This brought respect from fellow players and other students. Since then I've been through a number of situations and cities and lives and with each one I get a little better with my self esteem. The years that passed helped as well. But I still haven't gotten it completely eradicated. There's still a tiny little voice in my head telling me that I will fail. Events of the last year and a half have not done anything to make this little voice quieter.

Fast forward to today. My resistance was warn down by lack of sleep and the events of the last few days so the little voice was able to shout a bit louder. I've kicked it's ass and sent it back into the black depths from whence it came. Now it's time for some R&R. And that's exactly what I'll be getting tomorrow. My son will be home for the weekend. There's no amount of self doubt or insecurity that can get past the joy and happiness I have when he's with me. Fear is irrelevant. Doubt is irrelevant. Nothing... Nothing! Is more wonderful than children and my child is the world to me. Life will be good. Period.

No qyestions, no maybes, no wavering.

Just him.

2 comments:

  1. Sons are like that..I have five and live for their visits, their joys, their successes and failures (so I can advise them about the true nature of failure). Have a great weekend with your son. BTW, when you think you're a failure, just whip out your son's picture and you'll know that's untrue.

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  2. I am a failure in one respect... I don't have any pictures of him in my wallet. I'm such a bad dad. :-)

    But he lives with me most of the time (he's just visiting his mother) so it's not so bad.

    Thanks for the comment.

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