Saturday, September 03, 2005

Little lost boy

There's a song by Styx called "Man in the Wilderness" (off of The Grand Illusion album) which occasionally represents my state in this reality. I can definitely say that it makes no sense at all.

The problem is, as the song says, I am drifting with the tide. There's things I could/should be doing but I'm letting them just go along their merry way untouched. This isn't a good state to be in, however. Being washed along the river of life, letting it just toss you into whatever comes along (look out for that bolder!) isn't living. It's just existing. There are a number of external reasons I'm in this state but the biggest reason is inside me. I'm nearly paralyzed with fear. Fear of what? Let's see...

I'm afraid of making any move that will change my situation with respect to my son. I'm not in a position to afford any legal help. Being in my present situation I fear that my son will be taken away from me if I don't stay under the radar. There's also his mother. Every time anything happens, anything at all, she gets all paranoid and accuses me of trying to take him from her. I have absolutely no intention of ever, ever, EVER taking him away from her. She's a pain in the ass but she's his mother and she loves him. And he loves her, just as it should be. But by not wanting to cause any kind of tremors with her I am not doing things that would be better for my son and myself.

There are other fears but right now I just decided to pass over them. After writing the above it put things in a better focus and the rest of the fear is now virtually irrelevant. Oh, there is the whole relationship thing. That's not quite irrelevant. But it's not as big an issue as I seem to think it is. That part is just fear of being alone. I come from a big family with an Italian heritage. My desire was to have a family in that same mold. Even though the possibility of this actually happening is nil, I still hold onto it. See my rantings on my current girlfriend. The odds of a relationship with her are, well, let's say very slim and leave it at that. But this is a secondary issue right now.

And so we come to my greatest roadblock. The pain. If you have never had chronic pain it's hard to describe. But after 10 or 12 years of it you get so worn down that you don't do anything because it might make it hurt more. I say hurt more because you always hurt. Not like a bee sting or a sprained ankle. It's an over whelming pain that occupies the biggest part of your consciousness. And that's on a good day. You see why it becomes the #1 thought of every instant of every day and night. "If I do this will it make the pain worse?" This question is invoked for everything you do. Everything. When I go to get up out of a chair the first thing that happens is I do an internal cost/benefit analysis of getting up.
  • If I get up will it hurt more?
  • Will it hurt just a little more or a lot more?
  • Why do I need to get up?
  • Is that reason worth the pain that will be endured?
This is the process that happens for every movement I do. It even happens when I go to use the remote to change the channel on the TV. If you can imagine living like this for over a decade then you might have some idea of what I have to contend with. Just the fact that I got out of bed this morning is an achievement on the scale of climbing Mt. Everest.

That's the situation. If I do anything I risk losing my son and I will incur significant pain doing it. So I don't do anything.

And that's got to stop.

But how?

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