Friday, November 11, 2005

Spinnin' my wheels

I'm going in circles.

Every day I do nothing and every day nothing does me.

Tomorrow (the 12th) I turn 43. That makes me, well, middle-aged I guess. I'm not old but I'm definitely not young. When I came to this country I was 25 years old. I was also about 75 pounds lighter but that's beside the point. At 25 you think you're an adult and ready for the world. And you are, to some extent. But you aren't ready for the world to just blaze past you like Kimi in his McLaren-Mercedes. Half of my 20's and all of my 30's are gone. Where? Hell, I don't have a clue.

When I came here I didn't have a job or friends or anything outside of my family. Today, I am in almost the same boat. Except that now I have a passenger in the form of a soon-to-be 9 year old son. Oh I have friends now. Or, more accurately, I have drifted through some friendships over the years. But it seems that once the direct contact is lost they fade away into the past. Glen. Bruce. Erik (but only a little bit). Now John and Rick will likely be added to the list. And there's more names, I just can't remember anything because I am extremely tired. I should have been asleep almost 4 hours ago. I can hardly see the monitor my eyes are so tired.

To top it all off my body has given out on me. At this point I'm fairly sure than some of the mess I'm in is due to the abuse I put it through when I was young and indestructible. But I'm not Captain Scarlet. None of us are. So not there's all kinds of shit broken or damaged that could have been prevented. But that's water under the bridge. The best I can do is to help my son to not do the same things I did. Or at least lead a slightly healthier lifestyle than I did. So far I'm not doing all that good a job.

Got a new furness today. Or is it a heat pump. I don't know. All I know is that about two weeks ago the heat stopped working. Thankfully we're having another Indian Summer so it hasn't been a real problem. here have been a few cold nights when I had to turn on the oven to warm up the place enough to live in. And yes, I know how dangerous it is to leave a gas oven running overnight with he door open. But the new one is in and we're snug as a bug in a rug.

Still hooked on Killzone. My mom was not happy at all when she found out that the game is rated M. My son is the master of the game in this house. I do ok but he's got those PS2 enabled fingers. Even if my fingers worked right they'd still never be a match to his. I am doing alright in it, though. Killzone 2 is supposed to be coming out next year (2006) sometime. I hope it's 1st quarter.

Man, I am so tired I can't see straight. It doesn't help that my glasses aren't quite right. I have an appointment someday next week (I think, we'll have to check jpilot to be sure).

Whoops! Fell out in the chair in front of the computer. Guess I'll take another crack at sleeping in the bed.


  1. First off, happy birthday dooooooooooooood...

    Second, I hear yah on the "after the direct contact is lost" thing. Moving to Utah wiped just about every friend I had back east off the list. I can't say it's not understandable, though. People interact with what they see every day. Add to that all the distractions of every day life and the priorities shift considerably.

    I know that work and college have killed my spare time. Ditto for Brenda (she's working full time in addition to working on an MBA). We're both just about ready to climb a tower with a few high power rifles and thin out the population. We won't, but we're both sick to death of feeling like we're constantly climbing a mountain.

    Anyway, bitch bitch bitch, right? I have lots to be thankful for so I shouldn't complain. I could be in Iraq or Afghanistan (or anywhere in the middle east for that matter) hating life. I could move into secondary progressive MS and be blind, or paralyzed, or both. I could be homeless. Etc. I guess I'll need to start concentrating on the good stuff.

    Again, happy birthday! Find something fun to do that has nothing to do with computers or wheelchairs. You deserve it.

  2. Thank you for the birthday wishes. Can you believe that I'm 43 now?!? I was 27 or 28 when we first met.

    I'm with you on that mountain thing. Mine's a bit different as I'm doing nothing, literally, I have no where to go and nothing to do. Only worry about how I'm going to be able to buy food. My mom has been a lifesaver in that she has been paying for some of the bills and food but I can't keep living off of her generosity. But I can't get unstuck from this quicksand that is my life.

    However, like you I am very grateful for what I do have and I know that it could be a lot worse. I'm still breathing and I have JMEK with me and that's all that is important.