Monday, October 31, 2005

Comments on the Japanese GP

Well, more like spotty highlights.

This was one of the best races of the season, There are all kinds of fun that was brought on by the fact that most of the top drivers ended up starting from the back of the grid for various reasons. Kimi started dead last and both Michael and Fernando were back in the upper teens. The actual racing and strategies used were more than the usual intrigue. Some of the points I remember from it are that JP got knocked out of the race for the umteenth time. Giancarlo ran a great race that had him leading for most of the latter portions of the race. Alonzo started 16th and came in 3rd. Michael started 14th and ended up 7th. If it weren't for the whole Bridgestone thing he'd have made the podium. Antonio Pizzonia's Williams caught fire in the pit but they just put it out and he was back on the track. Native son Takuma Sato had a real bad race. He started 5th but got buried in the back after a mess-up early on in the race and eventually for DQ'd. Poor Taku. But the most exciting thing of the race was the finish. Giancarlo had been leading but Kimi had worked his way up to 2nd with something like 7 laps to go. Surly not enough for him to catch the Italian, huh? Well, the McLaren was it's usual self and Kimi took huge chunks out of the G-man's lead. By lap 2 he was all over the back of the Renault. Finally, just as they started the last lap, he dove down and took the lead. This gave the Flying Finn his 7th win of the season. But in the constructors championship, with JP out and both Renaults on the podium the lead shifted to the French team by 4 points going into Shanghai.

So, if/when I get around to watching the Chinese race I will post my comments then. With luck it will be before the start of next season.

Your mother was right!

This is to funny.

I just saw a commercial on the TV about some law firm hawking their services for people who have experienced vision problems while on Viagra, Cialis, etc. I other words, people who have had sudden blindness while taking ED medication. I couldn't stop laughing for 10 minutes.

Friday, October 28, 2005

You don't know what it's like

I ran across this on the net the other day and wanted to pass it on. It is an Open Letter To Those Without Invisible Disability Or Chronic Illness. There are also some variations of it available which target CFS/FM, MS [for you e] and more. The one on ID/IDA, CFS/FM and Chronic Pain pertain to me best and the one for people who love someone with fibro I will be emailing to a number of people after I finish this post.

The gist of this is that things which can't be easily measured or qualified by immediate sensory feedback tend to get ignored or greatly misunderstood. Example; If, $DEITY forbid, I were to have lost my legs, either the use of them or they were physically removed, I'd be stuck in a wheelchair and would be easily and obviously seen as disabled. But you know something? I'd be so much better off then than I am now. Really! It would suck and I'd hate it but I'd be able to work and sleep and go out and play with my son and have a social life. I'd be able to brush my teeth or do the dishes or wash the laundry or cook dinner. I'd only need some minor adjustments and off I'd be. But today; right now; I am unable to do just about everything on that list. Thankfully I can still take a shower, get dressed and go to the bathroom. But how long will that last?

Lately I've been trying to take a more active role in my treatment in that I'm working on cutting back in the meds and trying Acupuncture. It's still very early into this but they seem to be helping a bit. My hope is that they will help a lot. But understand, "a lot" means that the pain level is lowered noticeably. If I could cut my pain level in half I'd be potentially able to do the dishes and cook dinner. Now I know some people would have expected an answer like maybe I'd be able to work and live full-time again. Well, that would take a miracle. Because not only am I fighting the pain I'm fighting everything else. All the other things wrong with my body, and my mind, that have accumulated over the decades. My psudo-girlfriend (a relationship pretty much dead but that's for another time) talks about how I am the most intelligent person she has ever known and all I'd need to do is put a little effort into something, ANYTHING, and I'd be happy as a clam. While it's true that I lack ambition, it is actually that I lack great ambition. So even if I was healthy I'd never be Linus or ESR or Billy-boy but I would be someone who was making a good living at my profession. But that is not something I can do. I repeat, I can not do that. I can't make a decent living. I can't even work for minimum wage.

Which brings up the coup de gras of my situation. I am becoming more and more hampered by depression. Clinical depression. The kind that you just can't shake off or push through. Just do it is the most infuriating, though. That's like asking a person to "just push that mountain range over a few miles." It's idiotic and shows a complete lack of understanding. If there were any way I could change the chemicals in my brain to stop the depression and make it all better don't you think I'd have tried it by now?

That's enough for now. I have more I want to say on this, though. More to come, eh?

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

On target

Every day dictionary.com sends me a word-o-the-day. Most of them I know, I happen to have an above average vocabulary which I got from reading (primarily S&FS), but every so often I get a good one I hadn't know or remembered. Today's word is

loquacious \loh-KWAY-shuhs\, adjective:
1. Very talkative.
2. Full of excessive talk; wordy.

It's a word I had already known but it is also a word that describes me to a T. To put it mildly, talkative is what you'd descried me on a day I barely say anything. Even my son knows all about it. Whenever I start explaining something to him he'll stop me and as if this will be one of the usual long and boring talks or if I could keep it short. I have been working on not dominating conversations and had gotten pretty good at it. But lately I find that I'm back on the never shutting up track. I have to try and remember it's just as important when not to say anything as it is when to.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Braindamage?

About a week ago I was playing on the couch with my son. We were just pseudo-wrestling (basically I lie there while he jumps on me) and sometime during the fun his hear hit mine. Right over the right eyebrow. Simply put, he knocked me cold. I was only out for a minute 'cause he thought I was joking and jumped on my stomach. When I'm prepared for it I can still withstand something like that once or twice week, but 100% unprepared? Not even if I was awake. It did have the side effect of waking me, though.

Since then I have been having troubles not FM related. I can't stay awake (day or night) nor can I keep my thoughts organized. I know I'm forgetful but not like this! Hell, I've fallen out three times since I started thus message, My ever caring and wise mother said I should have gone to the doctor right away in-case I had a concussion, I probably should have done so. Probably.

Today I spent the vast majority of time either sleeping or wandering around delirious. Things have been settled down since around 5pm but that doesn't mean anything. My next acupuncture appointment is Tuesday so I hope I'm over this enough to drive up there. Even right now I'm fighting it hard.

A lot of this could be mental, as in psychological. Last tie I was wandering off delirious it was helped when i went t the shrink. I just need to get a hold of someone up there to make an appointment.

Besides delirium, passing out and sleepwalking my head is very much in pain. It's like there's a layer of metal between my brain and skull. A hot metal that burns whenever I try to use it or it gets shaken (Ike a sneeze).

Friday, October 21, 2005

Exploading sinuses

You know, there are days where you feel like shit. then there are days when you feel like 30-day old dried up shit from a long drought. This morning I got some good old fashioned shit. Somewhen I picked up a bug and now I have a fever and sore throat along with tremendous sinus congesting. When your head feels it's going to explode from all the pressure. All this does, of course, is exacerbate the FM symptoms to the point where I can not walk or sit for very long nor can I do anything requiring much "cognitive" capacity. As long as my head is plugged up and I'm taking medicating I'll be useless. Once things clear up I'll post the comments on the Japanese and Chinese Grand Prix races. Maybe.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Killzone

Man, I am totally hooked on this game. I need to get the PS2 connected so I can play online. It's funny but I was never a big fan of FPS's as they all seemed to be variations on a theme (run, kill, die, respawn, repeat) but this game has some good play involved in the Campaign mode. The Arcade mode has the requisite deathmatch, etc. options but they tend to get boring after a while. The story part of this game is good. It's challenging enough to keep you interested yet not so obscure that you need a 6 volume tome to get through it (can you say Myst?) Anyway, my son and I are most of the way through it. I spent 6 hours,total, on it today and will likely spend a few more tomorrow. If the language were toned down a bit and there was a little less blood it'd be a great game for kids, but as it stands now, I can't in good conscience let my 8 year old son play it alone.

Well, that's all for now. I still need to get the Japanese Grand Prix comments up. I should at least get them online before the Chinese race on Sunday. But don't hold your breath.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Comments off

I am turning off comments indefinitely as the comment spam was starting to get noticeably annoying. For those that do post with anything decently relevant to say <koff> "Erik!" <koff> I will make a workaround or something.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Comments on the Brazilian GP

Late as usual.

As far as races go it was a fairly uneventful race. There was some fun at the start as a few of the drivers decided to play pinball but after that it was fairly quiet. Kimi, JP and Alonso jumped into 1st, 2nd & 3rd right off the bat and they would finish in the same order. This made Fernando Alonso the youngest Driver Champion in Formula 1 history. He'd just turned 24 a few weeks earlier. The 1-2 finish for McLaren (the first of the year, if you can believe it) did help them get a slightly better handle on the Drivers Championship but it's still a two horse race as Renault is not backing down.

Tomorrow we will see what kind of fun Suzuka will have in store for us.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

this is cool

This is cool!
You know, back in the day there was an attempt to create Application Service Providers where servers would host the normal office apps that people use. This way they didn't have to manage this part oftheir IT infrastructure. While this idea didn't actually fail, it didn't pick up outside of some special virtical markets. But now, with AJAX, this idea could become a reality. One app. Oneserver. Dozens (hundreds?) of users. No per-seatlicenses. I reiterate -
This is cool!



{The above is a document that I created on Zoho Writer. It's a web based word processor made possible by the use of AJAX You can go to the site and try a demo. It's worth a look.}

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Lots of stuff

$DEITY it's late. Not so much the hour as the time. Since it's been a while I thought I'd throw up (upchuck?) a quick update.

I need to post my comments on the Brazilian Grand Prix. The summery is that Fernando Alonso came in third but won the drivers championship to become the youngest driver champion in GP history. He'd just turned 24 a short while ago. God how I hate young kids. :-P

I did get setup to start acupuncture in a few days. What the hell, can't hurt. Been weaning off of the meds as much as possible. Got one down (Elavil) and am starting on a second (Ultram). They also found that I have some fairly non-trivial arthritis in my neck at C2 & C3. Now I know why I can't turn my head as far as it used to go.

I'm going to call the shrink and make an appointment with the therapist. I don't know if I'm depressed or not (Wellbutrin ROCKS!) but I'm having a seriously difficult time keeping my thoughts straight. I can't stop obsessing over Asian women and women's feet (especially Asian womens feet). Yes, I have what normally is a healthy foot fetish (just like looking; no stomping or other stuff) but now I'm going out of my way to try and spot even the slightest flash of a woman in sandals or barefoot. With winter coming I'm going to be without for a while. It's almost as bad with Asian women.

Part of that might be due to the fact that any potential long-term relationship with my Chinese girlfriend has evaporated to 0.001% now. She'd be all for it if I were rich or even just had a job with a fair income. I can't see me finding any woman of any race, creed or color at this point. I fail all cost/benefit analysis's. Old, broken-down cripple-boy with no job, high debt and a young son. Oh yea, if I were a single professional woman I'd be just begging to get it on with someone like me.

My son is the one bright spot in the universe. He is doing much better in grade 3 this year. Still having trouble keeping quiet and controlling his impulses but no where near what 2nd grade was like.

There's much more but I'm to tired to remember anything else. All I need is a break. Just one small break and I could start rebuilding. But the only break in my future is the ground cracking to swallow me up whole.

"What do you do when your falling you've got 30 degrees and your stalling out
And its 24 miles to the beacon there's a crack in the sky and the warnings out"
[...]
"The traffic controller is calling Victor Juliet your identity
I have lost in the violet storm communicate or squawk emergency"

Twenty credits to anyone who can tell me the name and artist.