Friday, January 20, 2006

Balance lost?

Something is wrong. I can't describe it but it's definitely there. I don't know when it started but it's been a while. The best I can do to describe it is to say that there's a hole in my heart. Not the physical one, the ephemeral one. The heart that the Bard writes about. It feels like a black hole in my chest. Every time I try and look into it and feed it some signals everything gets sucked in. And it's bottomless, thus the black hole feeling. I've been racking my brains trying to figure out where this is coming from. It's no use, though. All I can get out of it is that it's fear based, but only in the sense that a pearl is sand based.

I've always had insecurities and feeling of inferiority but I'd pretty much worked those back to being just a faint whisper. Now it feels like they are back in force but it's not them. It's something else that just feels like them. Or maybe it is them and the meds are masking it. Or maybe it's the meds in the first place. It's all so confusing.

So what to do about it. I don't know. I've been toying with the idea of calling the psychotherapist but that seems premature. Maybe talk to the psychiatrist? There's no one in my life I can talk to about this. The closest one would be Mum but this isn't something that I think is ready to be unleashed on her. She's got enough to deal with (mostly things I am the cause of in the first place).

This is the first time in a LONG time I've felt like getting stoned. That is one of the few things that always covered/masked the black pit.

As for the rest of life, there's some good things that are lining up which look to make life a whole lot better. Possibly even as early as this summer. If they fall into place that will be a fantastic turnaround for almost all of us in the family. I don't want to say more for fear of jinxing it.

And now I think I'll go have a nap.

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