Friday, January 27, 2006

"No one here gets out alive"

Jim Morrison. Poet? Insane? Dope-head? What difference does it make. The quote is self explanatory.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how close I am to the implied outcome of it. I'm 43 now. My father passed at 68. My grandfather passed at 65 or 66. This means I have 22 to 25 years before I'm in the zone. Now, both of them were relatively healthy at the time. I'm already one foot on the edge. Well, maybe more like one foot on the lawn. Still, whatever it is I have much less to look forward to than look back on. This is the natural progression of life, of course. Everyone who lives past 35 or so is statistically in the same boat. But I'm not thinking along those lines. I'm thinking that I have nothing and my future looks like nothing.

Have you ever seen the Thomas the Tank Engine show? The one thing that all the trains want to aspire to is being very useful. To have a purpose, a reason. There was an editorial in one of the recent Newsweek magazines. In it a guy talked about how after he got an early severance package during a cutback he wandered around in his retirement feeling useless. He realized that he defined himself by his job. This is not uncommon at all. Ask anyone, "What are you?" and they'll tell you what they do. "I'm a painter." "I'm a teacher." "I'm a computer geek." So what does that make me now? I was a computer geek. A damn good one, too. I pulled my fair share of miracles out of the IT hat. But it wasn't that which defined me. It was just simply that I was a techie. I hack therefore I am.

Now, I am just the unemployed/unemployable disabled lump on the couch. I'm extremely lonely, especially for female companionship. I guess that's why I kept hanging on to the Chinese lady even when I knew it wasn't a fit. I'm also really, really, really, really tired of the pain. I'm tired of not being able to do the simplest things like go to a restaurant or a movie or just hangout. Even when I am visiting my family I can't really do it for that long. I'm even staying away from the computers. Nothing seems worth it anymore. With one exception, of course.

If it weren't for my son I would not be typing this now. I wouldn't be doing anything except rotting in the dirt. I hadn't really accepted that fact. I kinda alluded to it at times but it didn't really hit home 'till now. The straight up fact is that without him, I would not have a reason to live.

But even with that reason I seem to be having difficulties with my head. I'm thinking thoughts I don't think. I mean that they aren't coming from my conscious mind. It's not like there's someone else in there or that someone is mind controlling me (though to be honest I wouldn't know if it was). It's like thoughts that are independent of my will. They aren't thoughts about killing anyone or myself. They are more like thoughts about how it's really not worth going through the motions of life anymore.

I think maybe it's time to call the shrink again.

1 comment:

  1. hey i was just kinda dink'n around and i ran into your blog. i just want to say that jesus loves you and he knows exactly what your going threw. he has the abilty to take your hopelessness and pain and turn it to peace and joy. simply by asking him to be lord and savior of your life and cunfessing you are a sinner you will have purpose and you will have the desire to live if that is what you truely want.