Monday, February 20, 2006

Insomnia, kinda

Well, I can't sleep but it's not because I can't get to sleep. It's more because I don't want to go to sleep. Not yet anyway. So what to do 'till I do want to sleep? Let's randomly ramble inane babbling on the blog. Why not.

I watched a strange movie today. It was Purple Butterfly and was mostly a Chinese movie. I say mostly because there were some Japanese elements to it and, frankly, I couldn't figure out what was what. I'm sure the movie had a plot but I couldn't find it. The fact that it was a little over 2 hours with maybe 10 minutes of total dialog didn't help, either. It's wasn't as bizarre as the Japanese movie A Snake of June I watched a few years ago but then I don't think much of anything could be. The one saving grace of Purple Butterfly was that it stared Ziyi Zhang. It was funny , this, because later in the day TBS was showing Rush Hour and Rush Hour 2 back-to-back. She's in the latter as the bad girl. The sequel also stars Roselyn Sanchez, who is currently on the TV show Without a Trace, but I'll get to her in a moment. Back to Miss Ziyi. I'm watching her in these two very different roles and remembering her from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Then what do you know? Even later on the James Bond movie Tomorrow Never Dies comes on. Co-staring with Pierce Brosnan in this tale is Michelle Yeoh. She also stared with Jackie Chan in Supercop. So now I'm looking at the connections and seeing how Ziyi and Yeoh and Chan are all crossing each other. Which, of course, brings me to the point of this. I have previously stated somewhere (I thought on this blog but I can't find it) how I am in love with Michelle Yeoh. I have decided that I am also equally in love with Ziyi Zhang. And maybe just a hair behind them is Roselyn Sanchez. Side note: Michelle is only three months older than I am but Zhang is, like, 17 years younger. Everyone knows I have a thing for Asian women but it seems that any woman with an accent pegs my meter. While musing over this a stray thought wandered into my head. "Why aren't one of these women my wife?" The answer: because they are international film superstars and I am a crippled, unemployed, slightly fat, semi-unattractive old man who's pretty much a nobody outside of my immediate family. And don't ask some of them to hard about it either. This all leads to the end conclusion that I am really of little use to the Universe. Only to my son, and maybe my mother, do I mean anything. Not that the rest of my family doesn't care about me. They just don't have any use for me. Now I'm all sunken in morose thoughts. What can I do that would bring me back to a contributing member of society? My health is free-falling of late. I am not quite unable to walk, sit or even lie down without great pain. I have another doctors appointment on Tuesday, god-help-us. I'm getting so sick and tired of seeing doctors. And really sick and tired of being sick and tired. But just this weekend I realized that my situation/condition is worse than I'd ever imagined. See, one of my assets is my intellect and thinking ability. I have always had a mind that could grasp some of the most difficult concepts the human race has known as well as things very esoteric. From calculus to theoretical and practical physics to languages (both spoken and computer programming related) to cultural and social mores. I can get my head around anything. That is until recently. The last decade plus has eroded my mind with pain and chemicals and life to the point where I can't even figure out how to survive in this world. I have become completely dependent on the help and generosity of my family, mostly my mother. Without that I would not have any place to live. I would not have custody of my son. I would not even have cloths to wear or a car to drive. If I sold everything I could possibly sell I would still not have enough funds to keep me afloat in this world. The infuriating thing is that if my mind were clear or, ideally, if I were healthy, I could rule the world. Ok, not rule the world, but I would be kicking @$$ and taking names. I'd have a better than decent life and be able to provide for my son and my mother, and even help the siblings. But I'm stuck in the mud and don't even have any idea on how to try to get out. My friend, the E-man, is a few years younger than I am. He's also got some medical issues. His are, on the grand scale, more sever than mine. Yes he's making it through life and forging ahead to do something that he really wants to and likes to do. You know what the difference between he and I is? He's got a loving and wonderful wife. He's not along in the world. And so we come full circle to meet again back at the question that started this all. "Why isn't anyone my wife?" I need someone to help me through life. Just ask anyone who knows me, I should not be out in the world unchaperoned. But the things for which I need help are the very things that will keep me from finding that someone. I'm not totally bereft of value to a spouse. I have more love than anyone could ever want; I can still cook; I still have enough brain cells to aid anyone in their journey through life. I'm also very huggable. But no one is going to ever see this because the rest of my life and my situation is in the way.

I'm fucked and there's no way out.


  1. I still don't think you're as fucked as you think you are. Sure, the world is still a hostile place for folks who aren't Barbie and Ken dolls with trust funds, fast cars, and timeshares in Puerto Vallarta. You and I are damaged goods, no doubt about it.

    That still doesn't mean you're going to be alone forever.

    I also still think you're putting too much of your happiness in other peoples' hands. A woman isn't going to make all problems go away. She may give you someone to vent to and she may be a great companion, but ultimately the problems that exist today (unemployment, etc.) will still be there. Women are great, but they can't magically make you become employed.

    Because the majority of these posts seem to come back to the same point -- you need a woman -- I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that's the source of your depression. Not the pain, not the lack of funds, but the lack of companionship. I don't know what criteria you have for such things, but I would guess companionship is available. It's just a matter of letting yourself accept it.

    This reminds me of my single days when I'd chat with female friends about how frustrated they were that there were no men out there for them. I'd think to myself "WTF am I, beeOCH!" The fact is they would always leave off the end of the sentence: it's not "why are there no men" but "why are there no men that I'm attracted to." Great guys are all over the place; when women bitch about a lack of guys, they're just being picky.

    You may want to consider how picky you may be and -- if pickiness really is an issue -- consider opening your life to less perfection. Re-read what you wrote about yourself at the end of the post and picture those same words coming out of the mouth of a woman who may have a disability similar to yours. I'm going to guess there are lots of people out there with situations that are similar to yours. Making connections with them could be helpful. I'm sure local hospitals have lists of "support groups" that get together and chat. There may even be the equivalent of the National MS Society for your disease (fibromyalgia? I can never remember how to spell it); volunteering or even getting a job there could be a good thing.

    Either way, waiting for Michele Yeoh isn't worth it. Even Ken dolls with fast cars and timeshares don't have a chance with her.

  2. First off, how the hell do you do it?!? How can you see into my being so easily? Remind me never to play poker with you.

    Second, you're right about, well, everything. But this post was written from something like 01:00 to 04:30 or so. I get very melodramatic and all "woe is me" when you-know-who is over at the ex's. Being up at oh-dark-thirty (and having smoked one pack of 72's in less than 6 hours) I was not writing about what is. Just what it could be if it were all bad.

    I do need to work on "owning" my own happiness; keep it in my hands, as you said. I do have a very strong longing and need for female companionship but I understand that is because I need someone to love (emotionally and physically) and someone to lend a hand. I really am not capable of existing in this world along, without adult supervision. Some say it's the whole "Never Never Land" thing but that's not quite true. I do live in my own reality but it's more like a slight shift from the one the rest of the universe is in rather than some drastically different world.

    I've come to the realization that I will lever likely be steadily employed. Having a wife who could bring in even just $20K/yr would put us in the class of being able to actually live and eat and all. But then there are some things in motion which will solve this problem by early spring. I can't talk about it yet, though.

    As to my pickyness in women, yeah I often find myself thinking about companions for the 25 year old version of me. Thankfully I don't actually try and approach them (though you never know). But when it gets right down to it I'm far less concerned about appearance than intellect. Breathing, and weighing less than me are the only real criteria I have. And the later is negotiable.

    The reason I haven't found someone is because I don't go out of my house. Only for shopping and then I'm not thinking about anything other than getting my stuff and getting home. It's just so frelling painful to be out and about for even 15 minutes. So unless Mrs. Right comes through my door...

    But whatever. When the sun is up I feel better and now that you-know-who is home, well, I'm just fine.

    Oh, and I'm still holding out hope for Michelle Yeoh or Ziyi Zhang or Roselyn Sanchez. Well, not them specifically. Just someone like them. Strong and intelligent with bit of beauty and a thick accent. ;-)