Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Tears fall like rain

Maybe it's just the stress and uncertainty and depression. Maybe it's just the time of year*. Maybe it's the meds. Or maybe I'm just losing my mind.

I have been a lot more teary than usual. Picture it; a 5'10" 265lb man with a bushy bears and unruly hair crying. Some movies that would normally just bring a lump in my throat now start some serious gushers. The Last Samurai, Field of Dreams, 50% of what's on TCM... I was balling like a baby today at the end of Yankee Doodle Dandy. And there's no way I'll ever be watching Glory again. Ever.

But the incident today got me thinking. This was not the kind of movie I should be crying after. Then it struck me that for the longest time I have had something bring me to tears nearly every day. It's not like fits of uncontrollable crying, just serious sobbing. It'll happen out of the blue for no reason. Or sometimes when a movie or TV show or song hits some unknown, unseen, unheard switch in my head. Then the waterworks just break right out.

It all feels like everything is slowly sliding away. If it weren't for my son keeping me grounded I don't know where I'd be. Or even if I'd be. But the pull seems to be getting stronger and stronger. It seems to be part of the reason I'm crying so much.

This morning when I woke up I was in so much pain. It was as much pain as I normally go to bed with. A decent nights sleep will make the pain go down to a level where I am fairly functional in the morning. Usually. But not today.

$DEITY I hope that tomorrow morning is better. And I hope that I can make it through the day without the dam bursting.

*My father passed away on Feb 2nd, 2000 so this month is always difficult for me.

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