Saturday, August 19, 2006

Relationships, an historical perspective

I just ran into (online, that is) my very first girlfriend the other day. I hadn't seen or heard from her in 25 years. It got me thinking, though, of all the girlfriends and relationships I've had over the years. Don't worry, though. This won't be a very long post so feel free to keep reading E-man.

I was a senior in high school (class of '80) and she was a freshman, though we were only 2 years apart in age. Man, all the memories and feelings came flooding back like a ton of brick fell on my head. We had a very, uhm, tumultuous relationship. Many highs and lows. We were both so young it's just amazing. She had some issues (heh, "issues"; that's like calling the Grand Canyon a little ditch) which were hammering her life while I was just starting to clime out of the pit of worthlessness. The faint embers of confidence and self-assuredness (I know, that's not a real word) were just beginning to come to life. Unfortunately I was in no way ready to deal with a girlfriend, let along one who had a few things to deal with. Man, I have to tell you that the highs were spectacular. And so were the lows. Crash 'n' burn doesn't begin to describe it. But I hold no ill feelings towards her now. It took a while but now I remember her with a fondness I can't describe. She was my first real girlfriend. My first love; my first lover.

She wasn't my first kiss, though. That was a girl I met while working a summer hire job in '78. It was a magical time that lasted so short but seemed so long. We worked at a furniture reupholstering place doing chairs and mattresses and stuff. The day would be made up of doing some work in the mornings, making out in the stairwell over lunch then goofing around with the handful of other summer hires in the afternoon. When school started I wanted to keep it going but she couldn't handle the "stigma" of dating a white boy. But man, I learned how to kiss that summer.

After high school I kinda sorta almost went to university. Well, I was enrolled but I didn't do that whole class thing very well. The next girl I was with was when I went for one semester here in the states during the fall of '81. My sister and I came here to a very small collage in southwestern PA while the rest of the family stayed back home in Germany. I met a girl there and we kinda did things together. No real sex, just lots of making out. You have to remember that in those days making out was limited to 1st base, 2nd base & occasionally 3rd base. Oral sex wasn't as blasé as it is today. This was just something to pass the time with, I suppose.

We came back home for Christmas and went back to school there. The University of Maryland had a branch campus in Munich back then to help with the transition from going to school in Europe to University in the States. There I met another girl. This one was my second real love. We didn't really have much in common but the sex was great and the companionship was really nice. This lasted until summer. But once we were back home she found that what she wanted in her life and future didn't include me. I took it hard for a while but I lived through it. Now what I remember of her is her kind heart and long hair. She was only 2 inches shorter than I with hair that reached all the way down past her waist.

By now I was 19 and started in the "work force." During the next 6 or 7 years I met a number of different women, a few that I had sex with, but nothing that could be called a relationship. Being in your early 20's in the 1980's in Germany was a fun time. Lots of places to go and hang out or dance. My favorite place for a few years was a rock club called the Green Goose. They played a mix of rock and metal and everyone just had a blast. Sometimes, when I was alone in my room or driving home at oh-dark-thirty, I'd feel quite lonely. But that usually didn't last for long. I had friends and family and the occasional 4 or 5 hours smoakin' hash.

By the end of the 80's we all moved here to the States and it wasn't long after that when I met my ex-wife. We kinda dated for a year and a half then got married. From there it was all just fine and dandy; bought a house, had a kid, did the whole married family thing. That lasted a good while, until I became disabled and she left me. Blah, blah, blah.

After that there came this nice lady here who was very interesting. She was into all that B&D/S&M stuff, but I wasn't. She said she liked being with me because I was so vanilla. We were, what she called, "Fuck Buddies." We'd been, as the kids say these days, hooking up for about 5 years or so. A couple of months ago she dropped off the radar; can't reach her at work or at home or via email. I'm hoping she's ok.

The last pseudo-relationship was the Thai girl I came close to marrying. That had some very good potential but just wasn't meant to be, I guess. You can read all about it at my original diary on K5 - http://www.kuro5hin.org/user/X-Nc/diary.

The reason I felt like doing this retrospective is that it seems the line of women I'll be with or have a relationship with has finally ended. There's little hope of any woman wanting to be with someone they have to take care of and who doesn't make lots of money. So now I'm celibate. Hell, I can't even afford a $20 hooker.

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