Sunday, July 23, 2006

An empty house and Killzone; what a combination

Here it is. Oh-dark-thirty and I'm still awake. I hate insomnia.

Let's see, is there anything on my mind? No, not really. I mean there's the same old crap I always whine about, but nothing special. So let's think of something to babble about.

<tick> <tock>
<tock> <tick>

Nope. Nothing is happening. Just feeling much pain, a little tired and (as usual for late nights) lonely. It's extra bad now because I'm actually alone in the house. I will get my son back tomorrow evening and my mom is coming back on Thursday but with my brothers in Las Vegas for a week.

Speaking about Las Vegas makes me think of CSI now. It used to make me think about Bugsy Segal and the Mob building all the casinos but now it's all about Gil Grissom. I'm the only one in the family who hasn't been to Las Vegas. I think. I can't remember if Mum has ever been.

The other day I was superfluously thinking about what it would be like to have a girlfriend who was 18 or 20 or something like that. It wouldn't be robbing the cradle, really, because you're legal at that age. But I couldn't ever actually do it. Having an age gap of 25 or so years isn't so much when you're 80 and she's 55 but 43 and 18 is, well, to close to child molestation for me. 18 is still just a baby. Plus I'm pretty positive no 18 year old girl is going to want to be saddled with a crippled old man. Not to mention (oops, I mentioned it) that there's no way I could "satisfy" a woman that young. I'd have a heart attack or stroke if I even tried. No, all in all, the youngest I could see myself going is 30. Maybe 28 if the girl is right.

I'm stuck on Killzone* again. I don't know why this game hates me. I've already played the Campaign a bunch of times and got to blow away all the Helgast and even General Adams. But there's the part where the team gets to the beach and is just about to start heading for the docks. After the last battle at the beach, the frelling game won't let me continue. It just sits there doing nothing. I run around and make sure all the Helgast are dead and that everything is done to accomplish this mission but I get nothing. Now, when my son plays this section of the game he gets right onto the docks with no trouble. I always have to have him play this one section for me in order to advance. Yes, this is totally weird and there's probably something in the game logic which I'm not doing right in order to continue. But I'll be damned if I know what it is.

And speaking of Killzone, the word is that Killzone 2 will only be released for the PS3. This is insane. The PS3 is predicted to cost $600 and the only way to make full use of it is to have an HDTV. There's no way I will ever be able to get a PS3 if this is true. Hell, I couldn't actually afford the PS2. We got it as a Christmas present from my brothers (they gave us a DVD player the year before). We wouldn't have any games if it weren't for Game Crazy. They sell used games and you can also trade in games you don't want for different/new ones. Anyway, with the way things are looking I might just find a used Nintendo GameCube, they run in the neighborhood of $70, and get a bunch of "old" Nintendo games. That sounds like a good idea to me, really. If only I could come up with the $70.

Well, that's enough for tonight. I really should try and get some sleep.

After a quick snack.

* [login required]

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Some "famous" women I'd like to meet

I got to thinking the other night about some of the well known women I'd like to meet. While running through names in my head there were two that came up which I found interesting. They are Traci Lords and Chloe. While both are (in)famous for their work in porn, Chloe is an active star who can do unbelievable things which I won't go into. Traci is one of the most famous ex stars who has become a legitimate actress, and is really quite good.

Now I'm sure that you'd think the reason I'd want to meet them was, in part or in whole (no, not "hole"), because of their porn life. But you'd be wrong. It's true I have seen both of them in action. I've only seen Chloe once in a rather tame (for her) role and was living in Germany when Traci's porn career was at it's height. Yes, I saw some of the movies she did while still under age. But that is not why I'd like to meet them.

I have seen various interviews and film footage of both of them in non-porn settings and one thing both of them share is a strong (one might say commanding) presence. And both seem to be quite intelligent. I'd like to spend time talking about all kinds of things other than sex and porn and even acting in general. It's hard to explain but I see these women as wonderful personalities that I'd like to get to know better.

But don't think my list is only porn stars. It includes women like Michelle Yeoh, Dame Judi Dench, Grace Hopper (if she were still alive), Sophia Loren, Megumi Odaka, Dawn Staley, etc. But Chloe and Traci are also on this list for the same reason the others are.

They are intelligent and interesting people with whom I would like to converse with.

Friday, July 21, 2006

...and the horse you rode in on!

Ooh, feeling very cranky today.

The weekend is not going to get any better either. My son is with his mother 'till Monday, my mother is visiting her sisters in PA and my brother is going out-of-state for a work conference. I really don't like to be alone because I tend to do nonproductive things. I'll be fighting to not start smoking again. I'll be trying not to spend any money on unnecessary crap. And, most of all, I'll be trying not to go out of my frelling mind. The odds are fairly good I can do the first two but that last one...

I hate the universe!

Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!

Who knows when?


That's the future for me.


As in:
  • Someday I'll get my boxes unpacked

  • Someday I'll start writing all that stuff I've been wanting to

  • Someday I'll learn at least a little bit about modern programming

  • Someday I'll find a woman

  • Someday I'll do something

Right. And someday pigs will fly. Oh wait! They already have.

Of all those "Somedays" the one I want most is the next to last. The one I need the most is the first. The one that should have the highest priority is the last one.

What's that old quote? "A man has three faces. One face he shows in public, one face he shows to friends and family and one face he only shows himself." I guess I have three futures; the one I want, the one I need, and the one I'll get. But you know something? Right now it doesn't really matter. Right now I am just going to go read some more Buddhist writings in lieu of being able to listen to music.

Monday, July 17, 2006

"Sometimes I feel like a man in the wilderness"

That's a line from a song by STYX called Man in the Wilderness off of The Grand Illusion album. The second chorus goes like this -

Sometimes I feel like a man in the wilderness
I'm a lonely sailor lost at sea
Drifting with the tide
Never quite knowing why
Sometimes it makes no sense at all

And in my mind I see -

I'm lost in a sea of nothingness.
No hope.
No hope at all.
Only pain and frustration.
Lots of pain.

I really wish the frelling doctors would make up their minds about using stronger pain meds. One says no and another says yes. I, myself, lean towards the latter opinion. But even that won't help very much.

It looks like things are going to get messy soon. To soon. I wish they weren't but it's pretty much out of my hands now. When the excrement hits the fan all hell is going to break loose. Ok, that sounds like something from a cheesy movie. But it's true. I can't really comment on anything right now.

I spent a couple of hours tonight talking to my Chinese lady friend. Yeah, we still talk and sometimes do stuff with her daughter and my son. It seems that I am still attracted to her but she's really not attracted to me. At least not in That Way. She'd been having trouble with her daughter and I hope I was able to help out a little with that. She spent almost 3 hours tonight on the phone talking about her ex-husband [who was a controlling man in an emotional mess which made her a mess, too] and her ex-lover [who she's still in love with but he's married with a child so they can't ever be together] (blah, blah, blah). At least she did. Every man alive knows how that made me feel. But I do like her as a friend and her daughter is still in need of some guidance (and I like her kinda like the daughter I'll never have) so I'll stay friends and just try and kill the "romantic" feelings. Especially the romantic feeling of wanting to jump her bones. But if anyone can do it I can. I've had enough practice all my life.

I keep coming back to that song. When it came out I was going through one of the most agonizing times of my life. Seventeen years old and a senior in high school. I was with my very first real girlfriend. Patricia Henry. Blond, blue eyed, 5' nothing but stacked like a brick house. She was also psychotic. Or is it psychopathic? I get them confused. Either way she put me through a meat grinder and blast furnace both at the same time. Messed me up good for, well, for life. I've pretty much recovered over the intervening 26 years but there's still a little scar on my psyche, probably never to fully heal. It always seems to come out and kill any hope of finding a woman to be with. And I mean BE WITH; body, mind & soul. After 43 years you come to realize it's not all about sex. Yeah, it's still quite a bit about sex, but there's more. Much more. But it's not going to happen. Even if there was a woman who could conceivably overcome my debilitating physical condition and subsequent mental impairments along with the lack of any reasonable monetary income I'd end up torpedoing myself in the end. Of course, this has all the earmarks of a self fulfilling prophecy. I find a woman then subconsciously intentionally sabotage everything. But then again, that's what this wound is meant to do. It all circles in on itself going 'round and 'round... Like a temporal feedback loop (for all you Trek fans out there).

So, what does all of this mean? Who gives a shit! No one cares if I'm fucked for the rest of my life. Hell, even I don't care right now. But it's 02:15 and I never care about anything after midnight.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Zinedine Zidane bullshit

I have a problem with this incident. Zidane is claiming that he headbutted Marco Materazzi because Materazzi said something “very personal and concerned his mother and his sister”. Materazzi had denied saying anything about Zidane's family, especially his mother. "I said nothing to him about race, religion or politics. I did not talk about his mother either," Materazzi was quoted as saying.

Now, I come from an Italian/German background (I'm 3/4th Italian and 1/4th German) and there's one thing I know about the culture of Italians. You never say anything about someones mother. However, even if the unthinkable happened and he did slander Zidane's family, the proper response for the insulted player at this high level of the sport would be a strong push or possibly a good right cross. Both would be bad and deserving of a red card but they wouldn't have been so blatantly hostile and dangerous. A headbutt like that can easily kill a person. It was the same as if Zidane attacked Materazzi with an ax or flail. No amount of insulting, be it ethnic, racial or personal, is deserving of attempted murder.

Sunday, July 09, 2006


Italy 1 - France 1 (5-3 PK)

My hands are still shaking.
Viva Italia!

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

What a game!

Man, oh man, oh man! Two hours of headbanging and dive bombing before Italy finally scored to beat Germany in the first Semifinal game. Alessandro Del Piero dropped in a second goal a minute later but it was all over the instant Fabio Grosso caught the far corner of the net in the 119th minute. I was hoping for Germany to take the game, but only a little bit. See, Italy is my #1 team for the World Cup and Germany #2, but the Germans have never beaten Italy in World Cup play. It's a good thing for Italy that they did score at the end of the second overtime period, though. Germany is 4-0 in World Cup games decided by penalty shot while Italy is 0-3 (including the heart breaker against Brazil in 2002). But this might have been what helped Italy as well. I get the feeling that by the later minutes of the overtime Germany was playing for the tie to force the penalty shots. Maybe if they'd been a bit more aggressive... But that's all in the "What If" category. No matter the outcome, though, this was one of the best games I've seen in many years. The Germans played exceptionally well and really could have won the game. Now we'll have to see how France and Portugal do tomorrow. But I tell you, I honestly don't think either of those teams can beat Italy this year.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Twilight Zone Marathon

Four days of the Zone on the Sci-Fi channel. The only break I can foresee in this are a few hours on the 4th, 5th, 8th & 9th.

de de
de de de de
de de

Henry, 56th minute

Man, what a surprise that was. And I missed the game(s), too. It wasn't so bad as I was helping two very lovely ladies with some computer issues they were having (ok, I didn't do much of anything since they have a WinXP system and I only know how to spell WinXP) but it was a nice afternoon spent talking and enjoying the company. I may still have to razz them a bit, though. After all, it was Brazil that got beat. I love the country and the people there very much; except during World Cup play. My #1 and #2 teams are Italy and Germany, so it's a given that I have to hate Brazil for the weeks of cup play.

But now we have Portugal - France, Germany - Italy. I'd rather see the latter match up in the finals but, hey, we can't have everything. Portugal has a serious shot at making some history. France won the '96 Cup and both Germany & Italy are potentially playing for their 4th cup win to tie the (EXPLETIVE DELETED) 2002 Brazilian team. If all 4 teams play up to the level they are capable of playing then I think it will be Italy & Portugal in the final. France can beat any team on any given day but they tend to have only one or two days given them per cup. Germany can score goals. If they keep it close or, by chance, go to a shootout, they can definitely beat Italy. But overall, I think that the Italian team has the most to play for. After the very serious scandals in their professional soccer leagues this spring they will be fighting for respect and vindication (even if they were all guilty).

So that's my take on the situation. However, if it is France and Germany in the final, I want you to know that you heard it here first.