Friday, March 23, 2007

Hesitation: The act of hesitating; suspension of opinion or action;

Do you know what hesitation marks are? Maybe hesitation cuts? If you've watched a little Law and Order or CSI then you've likely heard of them. They are seen when someone is trying to stab or cut but is, at least initially, unsure of themselves. Maybe not sure they want to do the cutting or unsure how best to do it. Either way, they are fairly noticeable to those trained to notice such things.

The Miss USA 2007 Pageant is on right now. I have the TV muted so I don't know what's happening. To be honest I don't care. Whomever Miss USA ends up being will have no impact on my life nor anything remotely touching my life.

My ex-wife is going through a lucid, rational period at the moment. These things come on every now and again. Hopefully this one will last long enough to get some positive stuff done for our son. He's doing so much better in this new school but lately he's started slipping back into his old form. He got detention this week. His first one of the year. I'll hold off on telling how many times I was "detained" in grade school until he's much older.

I'm wandering around the topic, it seems. Writing non-sequitur to keep from getting to the real heart of the matter.

Have you ever found yourself doing something that you really didn't want to do? I don't mean like kissing your great aunt Flora or cleaning up the dogs poop. I mean doing something serious. All the while your brain is saying "Stop that!" But your hands and body seem to ignore it. I have never had this happen to me in a conscious state. Never, that is, until 5:30pm today.

Everyone was out of the house; my mother took her grandson, my son, to a local park with some other kids from the neighborhood and my brother was just leaving work. I figured I'd take a shower and get dressed in something other than pajamas for once. I brush my teeth then get the shower running so it's nice and warm. Just then, for no reason at all, I got my leatherman and made a short one inch cut parallel to my arm at the left wrist. It was nothing, barely a scratch, and it didn't feel all that nice either. But for some reason I still have no grasp of, I did it again. And again. And again. Then it stopped. Right out of the blue. It now looked like a cut one might get from working with tools or running in the woods. So I took my shower and thought nothing more of it.

After I finished showering, I dried off and got partway dressed. While looking in the mirror during my normal after shower cleansing routine I suddenly got the letherman and started running ice cold water over my left wrist. After it got quite numb I started cutting it again. This time shorter cuts, about 1/2 inch, but these were much deeper. I didn't go all the way through though. I don't know why I didn't. I don't know why I did it. Then it just stopped like the first time. When my brothers got in they noticed it but I played it off like I just bumped into the door or something. Mum and son haven't seen it yet. Or at least haven't mentioned it.

The scariest part of this whole thing is not what could happen to me. It's what would happen to my son if I were to do something unreasonable. If I were to succeed then there'd be no one there to be his father and teach him about life and family and his grandfather, my father. If I am unsuccessful then I'm put in a bed at the psych ward and my son would be taken from me. But as much as I hate the idea of not being here for him I am also noticing that maybe my being here is not in his best interest. I am damn near blinded by pain every moment of every day. I don't own the shirt on my back. I'm legally and effectively homeless. There's no hope of me ever finding any kind of employment. There's even less hope of me finding any kind of female relationship. Hell, I couldn't afford a $20 hooker. I don't even have a car. All my life I've wanted a family to live and grow with. One that was mine and also part of the bigger family of us all. Now I have nothing. Well, almost nothing. I do have my son. But am I giving him the best environment and support to grow and flourish?

The effects of a suicide on the surviving family and friends is devastating and can lead to some very difficult times. I know this. It's always harder on those left behind. But in the long run, the benefit of not having a debilitating presence in ones life can overshadow the loss. The trick is knowing where the line is and if it should be crossed. I can't see the line but it seems that a very strong part of me wants to cross it.

I just have to hang on 'till Monday. I got the info and numbers to three Therapists in the area. I'll call and see which one has the earliest opening and make an appointment right away. I am also going to read some of the Buddhas writings. His stuff has helped center me in the past. Maybe it'll help now.

Or at least keep my hands busy with books instead of knifes.


  1. Okay, so why is it you're waiting until Monday to deal with this? You do realize that the word "emergency" kicks these folks into action, right?

    If you think you're no good for Joseph now (a misguided thought, in my opinion), you'll be even less good to him dead. You need to get in front of somebody who understands how to work through these things and work through it. Monday may be too late.

    At least think about it? Maybe? I can't say the words that you need to hear because I don't know what they are. You should trust that you need help with this now, though.

  2. I'm caught in a trap. I need to get some kind of help but I don't want to get any help. If I go to a shrink they'll probably say I'm unstable and take him away from me. But if I don't do something I may be taking myself away from him. I don't understand it all, really. It's like there's external forces at work and right now they seems to be able to break through on occasion. I know, it doesn't make any sense to me either. It does help knowing that even if I am off my lid I have one person who still gives a hoot.

  3. Lots of people give a hoot. Also, lots of people don't know how to handle things like this so they don't indicate that they give a hoot.

    You'd probably be surprised to find out how many people want you alive. :)