Saturday, March 31, 2007

Not all but some; not there but close




I can't tell anymore.

It's up, down, up, down... Nothing works but it's getting fixed. Or it could be if I would do something about it. "You must be proactive with your health, Mr. Klemmer." That's what the psychiatrist told me.

Yeah, right.

Catatonic? Wouldn't that be nice.
Gin and tonic? No, not at all.

I don't want to die but I don't want to live. Maybe it's selfish, but then the only one who is me is me. No more sharp implements or pharmaceutical assistance. But what then? "Didja ever have the feeling that you wanted to go, and still had the feeling that you wanted to stay?" sang Jimmy Durante in The Man Who Came to Dinner.

Just finished watching Cars. I'm alone this weekend and have been wanting to watch it for a while now. You know the part when Lightning first sees Doc Hudson drift? I'm watching that and all of a sudden I start crying like a baby. Why?

I think that tomorrow I'll just... just... just what? Just wouldn't wake up, that's all. I can't keep going but there's no way to stop. I can't take any more but there's no where else for it to go.

What does it mean if you wish you could slit your wrists but don't because you can't think of any place to do it that wouldn't cause an inconvenience?

Can you be manic/depressive if you don't have extreme mood swings?

I think I'll go off the grid for a while. No 'Net usage. I can do without everything but email under normal circumstances. But I think this time is going to be different. "Don't call us; we'll call you."

I'm going to bed now.

P.S. Please do not comment on this post. Yes, I'm talking to you. You know who you are.

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