Saturday, March 10, 2007

There is something terribly wrong

In just a few days I have fallen into a pit the size of the Mariana trench. It's actually been coming for a while, I think. I started noticing something was up when there were 45 to 50 unread non-spam messages in my inbox. That's not at all like me.

Then, the other day, I was watching V for Vendetta. At the end, the big finale was accompanied by Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture. I'm sitting there watching this and start losing it completely. Tears are pouring down my face and I can't even think. While the movie was good and I did enjoy it, there was nothing about it that would, or should, have affected me like that. Neither should the 1812 Overture. But what really pegged it was yesterday.

For some reason that I can't yet determine, imap stopped working on my server. This isn't catastrophic; I can still ssh into the box and use pine. But when it happened I could feel my whole innards sink. It shouldn't have. I've had worse problems with the system over the last 11 years. But this time it was like a kick in the gut. I didn't even want to look at the computer.

That put me on the set of something wrong. This afternoon the proverbial walls fell down on my head. All I have wanted to do is get away. I don't know what I'm getting away from or where I'm getting away to. I just need to escape. I haven't felt this trapped since, well, do a search of this blog for "sleepwalking" or "suicide." Yes, you read that right. The doctors always inquire if I'm having thoughts of harming myself or others. At 14:54 today I seriously thought of taking all the sleeping pills I have. This scared me. The good thing is that I don't have more than two or three pills left so even if I did take them it wouldn't have done more than knock me out till tomorrow. Yet the thought was there.

The Haru Basho starts Sunday. There are about a dozen virtual Sumo games I play as well as do some official stuff in one of them. But I don't even want to think about them. Sumo is one of the really fun and enjoyable things I have in my life for recreation. Not wanting to play or even just follow the Basho is just not normal for me.

Thankfully I have an appointment with the psychiatrist next week. It was setup when I visited the Neurologist on March 2nd. I don't know if this is just me feeling the weight of everything or something serious. That's what we'll find out next week.

I hope.


  1. This is just frelling great. Nothing like a sign from the ether to get those sprites up.

    Brad Delp, the lead singer from Boston, was found dead Friday in his New Hampshire home.

    What the hell else is there then?

  2. Well, pieces of Skylab or that blown up Chinese satellite could crash through your window and hit a Mac. :)

    Seriously, I hope things look up soon. As little of a consolation as it may be, you recognize that something is amiss and see a point where things could possibly turn around (i.e. your next doctor visit). That's hopeful. Chemicals can do crazy things to a person's brain. Luckily, some chemical issues can be taken care of easily with other chemicals. I could play armchair doctor, but I won't because I'll inevitably say something stupid.

    Oh, and if things REALLY go down the toilet (you know what I mean), don't feel bad about calling your doctor early. That's what they're there for. Emergencies overrule protocol.

  3. Just happened across your post. If you need somebody to write to about all this, I can be reached at

    I'm just a regular guy who also feels this way sometimes. :)