Saturday, April 07, 2007

Up is down and sideways is straight ahead

Still can't sleep.

Can you believe there's snow on the ground? Last Monday it's 83° and now snow!?! It's been like this for weeks. Up, down, up, down. Spring better get its @$$ here soon. $DEITY how I hate the cold.

You know, I think if you look up[1] "manic depressive" you'll see a picture of me next to it. If not then there should be. Ok, maybe not "manic" but my psych is still mirroring the weather. What does it mean when you don't want to die but still don't want to live? What do you do? I still have the overpowering urge to cut my wrists (vertically, of course, not horizontally). I also have a months worth of Ambian plus a ton of pain killers, anti-depressants (guess they aren't working very well) and muscle relaxants. They should make up a very nice cocktail. But that wouldn't work, I think, because I'd probably just regurgitate such a mixture.

Just ran across an interesting page, "Suicide... Read This First". It does a pretty good job of talking you out of it but I will have to disagree with point #3 about pain. There is a point when the vast nothingness of death can be quite compelling. It wouldn't be as bad if the pain were excruciating, strange as that sounds. I've experienced some really painful things before (torn Achilles tendon, blew out my knee in football, some other things and, the worst of all, the viral spinal meningitis). Extreme pain can either be fought or it overwhelms you. Either way it's the only thing you are doing at that time and you know that sooner-or-later it will stop (either it's removed or you pass out/die). But solid, heavy, powerful pain that goes on for years... That crushes your soul; twists your mind. I have no desire to do anything. And by anything I mean ANYTHING. Eat, sleep, wake, lay down, sit up, breath, talk, watch TV, even typing this all out right now. I'm forcing myself to do it.

There are many people in this world who are in much worse situations than I. I'm just a whining baby compared to what they are going through. But that doesn't keep the despair away. The good feeling I get being with my son is enough to keep me going but it's becoming less and less effective.

Maybe I'm just looking for attention. But if that were the case I'd do more than contradict myself in posts here. I'd have actually tried to kill myself. It feels more like I don't want any attention. I don't want anyone around. I don't even want anyone virtually around.

Speaking of which, a number of very wonderful people did a terrific and kind thing for me yesterday. People I have only known online. Many (most?) of whom aren't even in the same hemisphere as I. I keep getting these little "signs" that there is still something out there to care about. To be involved with. To live for. But they are little "signs".

VH1 or MTV had a mostly stupid show on a little while back about the 40 greatest Internet stars. You know, people like the Star Wars kid or Perez Hilton. One of them was this guy who traded a red paperclip and ended up with a free house. Shit like that really makes everything here seem so insipid and valueless. Fame & fortune to some schmuck with a webcam and yet Brad Delp passes away.

It really makes no sense.

Not even $0.02 worth.

Oh, and E-man, you can comment on this one if you like. But I think you must be getting tired of my crap by now.

[1] Just don't use Wikipedia to look it up. At least if you are in school and doing homework.

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