Monday, April 09, 2007

UFO - Love To Love

Oh it’s been too many times and I can’t go back
Night bars, guitars, rundown motels like shacks
What it mounts up to I don’t want it at all
Lost you and I want you today

Misty green and blue
Love to love to love you
Misty green and blue
Love to love to love you

To be something, to be near you
Don’t say that you’ll never know
Love to love to love you


Half the time it could seem funny
The other half is just too sad
This west bound moon’s they rise and fall
Lost you and I want you today

Misty green and blue
Love to love to love you
Misty green and blue
Love to love to love you

To be something, to be near you
I don’t know where I’m goin’ to
I’ve tried and I need you to stay


This is the last song on the Lights Out album. UFO made 6 records with Michael Schenker; albums four through eight (Phenomenon, Force It, No Heavy Petting, the afor mentioned Lights Out and Obsession) then the relatively recent Walk on Water. The combination of band members on these albums has produced some of the greatest music you could ever hear. If only Michael (who is the younger brother of Rudolf Schenker of the Scorpions) wasn't so... uhm, let's just say erratic and leave it at that. He is still one of the greatest rock guitarists ever, though he doesn't have the name recognition as others. While I haven't seen Michael in concert I have seen the Scorpions a couple of times. Actually, I have seen a number of really great bands over the years, though it's been about 18 or so years since I went to a show. I do miss it, though. I think I'll post some of the music that I've experienced. It's quite likely that few in the US would know them.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Happy Easter; Happy Songkran

To those who celebrate I wish a happy Easter. While most think the holiday is about bunnies and chocolate, many still hold it in their hearts as a religious holiday. I know my mum (who is an Italian Catholic) does. Whether I believe what she believes isn't important. She believes and that's all that matters.

Today is also when Wat Yarnna Rangsee celebrated Songkran (the Thai New Year). The festival is called the Water Festival, people have fun splashing each other with water. The actual dates for the celebration are the 13th through the 15th. The 13th is the last day of the old year and the 15th is the first day of the new year. Most of the Thai Buddhist Temples in the US will usually pick a weekend that's very close to those dates for their festivals. What happened to the 14th? Go forth and Google. ;-)

Either way, today was a holy day for many people. I hope it was a good day for you.

It's official, I'm insane. More or less.

Ok, maybe not official. I still haven't made an appointment with a therapist. I know, I know. And you are right, I do need to. I'll do it on Monday. I swear. Well, maybe not Monday, but next week for sure. Maybe. Definitely before the end of the month.

Anyway, I know I'm loopy because I fixed the problem I was having with IMAP on the server. Now I can get to my email without having to muck about with workarounds. Why does that mean I'm nuts? Because as soon as it was fixed I felt the weight of the world lifting off my chest. If you remember, my nosedive into despair started when the email troubles began.

Now that things are working again I'm ready to start moving stuff to the new hosting service. I just need to copy some files over and get the Sumo List setup, then it's just a matter of changing the DNS. I should have that done by next weekend.

Hey, two things I need to do by next weekend; make an appointment with a therapist and switch the server. The former is just a 10 minute phone call while the latter is a few hours of work. I'll give you 5 to 1 that I get the server moved first.

Take the odds.

It's a Sure Thing.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Up is down and sideways is straight ahead

Still can't sleep.

Can you believe there's snow on the ground? Last Monday it's 83° and now snow!?! It's been like this for weeks. Up, down, up, down. Spring better get its @$$ here soon. $DEITY how I hate the cold.

You know, I think if you look up[1] "manic depressive" you'll see a picture of me next to it. If not then there should be. Ok, maybe not "manic" but my psych is still mirroring the weather. What does it mean when you don't want to die but still don't want to live? What do you do? I still have the overpowering urge to cut my wrists (vertically, of course, not horizontally). I also have a months worth of Ambian plus a ton of pain killers, anti-depressants (guess they aren't working very well) and muscle relaxants. They should make up a very nice cocktail. But that wouldn't work, I think, because I'd probably just regurgitate such a mixture.

Just ran across an interesting page, "Suicide... Read This First". It does a pretty good job of talking you out of it but I will have to disagree with point #3 about pain. There is a point when the vast nothingness of death can be quite compelling. It wouldn't be as bad if the pain were excruciating, strange as that sounds. I've experienced some really painful things before (torn Achilles tendon, blew out my knee in football, some other things and, the worst of all, the viral spinal meningitis). Extreme pain can either be fought or it overwhelms you. Either way it's the only thing you are doing at that time and you know that sooner-or-later it will stop (either it's removed or you pass out/die). But solid, heavy, powerful pain that goes on for years... That crushes your soul; twists your mind. I have no desire to do anything. And by anything I mean ANYTHING. Eat, sleep, wake, lay down, sit up, breath, talk, watch TV, even typing this all out right now. I'm forcing myself to do it.

There are many people in this world who are in much worse situations than I. I'm just a whining baby compared to what they are going through. But that doesn't keep the despair away. The good feeling I get being with my son is enough to keep me going but it's becoming less and less effective.

Maybe I'm just looking for attention. But if that were the case I'd do more than contradict myself in posts here. I'd have actually tried to kill myself. It feels more like I don't want any attention. I don't want anyone around. I don't even want anyone virtually around.

Speaking of which, a number of very wonderful people did a terrific and kind thing for me yesterday. People I have only known online. Many (most?) of whom aren't even in the same hemisphere as I. I keep getting these little "signs" that there is still something out there to care about. To be involved with. To live for. But they are little "signs".

VH1 or MTV had a mostly stupid show on a little while back about the 40 greatest Internet stars. You know, people like the Star Wars kid or Perez Hilton. One of them was this guy who traded a red paperclip and ended up with a free house. Shit like that really makes everything here seem so insipid and valueless. Fame & fortune to some schmuck with a webcam and yet Brad Delp passes away.

It really makes no sense.

Not even $0.02 worth.

Oh, and E-man, you can comment on this one if you like. But I think you must be getting tired of my crap by now.

[1] Just don't use Wikipedia to look it up. At least if you are in school and doing homework.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Just what the doctor ordered

There's no sign of the morning coming,
there's no sight of the day.
You've been left out on you own
like a rainbow.

Like a rainbow in the dark.

Yeah yeah.

Just a rainbow in the dark!

It's been a long time since I've gotten lost in music. See, I got boxes full of records, many of which were never available in the US. But I don't have anything close to that on CD's or MP3's. I miss the music that always got me through the hard times. I need to check with my brothers and see what they have available. I'm sure that there's a few CD's in their collections for which I have a slight need. Like now, for instance. Insomnia is no stranger to me but I could always count on Ted Nugent or AC/DC to lull me to sleep.

If I can get some organization in the wind I might be able to pull off a small comeback. Basically I'm ready to go but for one small problem; IMAP pointer errors. I can see them with a tcpdump but I have no idea where the disconnection is on the server.

Oh well. Maybe I'll just blow off all the old stuff and start fresh. It's probably better for me not to have all those incriminating emails stored hither and yon anyway. Yeah, that's the ticket. Save the Sumo List but dump everything else.

What the hell, right?

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine..."

Spring break started Monday. My son has been here since then. Well, actually he's been outside playing with the other kids. Anyway, I put him to bed just a while ago and something wonderful happened. He said I had to give him an extra three hugs and two kisses to make up for the weekend he was at his mothers. It was like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. Like a bright shining light in the darkness. I still feel depressed (well, hopeless is more accurate) about my life but I no longer am having any "urges". This has only been for a few hours so it's still early but inside I feel different. Maybe things will forever be dark, dank and dreary for me, but I have quite a bit to hold onto even so. I still need to call for an appointment with a therapist (I can procrastinate with the best of them). But there just might be a glimer of hope on the horizone.


Keep your fingers crossed.