Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Lost In The Wilderness

Man In The Wilderness - Styx

"Ten thousand people look my way
But they can't see the way that I feel
Nobody even cares to try

I spend my life and sell my soul on the road
And I'm still in the dark
'Cause I can't seem to find the light alone

Sometimes I feel like a man in the wilderness
I'm a lonely sailor lost at sea
Drifting with the tide, never quite knowing why
Sometimes it makes no sense at all
"
Thirty years ago I went through some of the worst times a 17 year old boy could endure. It was about a girl, of course. Since then I have known good times and bad times which put everything in perspective. But when you're 17 and in love for the first time it can hurt like hell. It's the kind of pain that is unique; nothing else will ever feel like it. It felt like I was the protagonist from "Man In The Wilderness" by Styx, off of their Grand Illusion album. I listened to that song over and over.

Fast forward to today. This last week or two I have felt like that man, lost in the wilderness again.
"(I'm alive)
Looking for love, I'm a man with emotion
(And my heart's on fire)
I'm dying of thirst in the middle of the ocean
(I'm alive)
"
This time, though, it's not because of a girl. In fact I'm not sure what has been happening to me. My life isn't anywhere near as bad as it has been. I'm getting along wonderfully with my ex, I'm relating to my son almost as good as when he was eight, my pain hasn't been that sever overall, I'm going to University to get a degree which will help me provide a much better life for my son. I even look better than I have in a long time. So what's the problem?

I honestly don't know.

Maybe I'm afraid of succeeding.
  Maybe I'm terrified of failure.
    Maybe I'm not fated to be happy.
      Maybe I'm carrying a curse.

Right now, I don't care. I just want to crawl into a hole and, well, not die... hide. If there was a deserted island with electricity and a 'Net connection I would go and spend the rest of my days alone on the beach. I simply don't care.
"Sometimes it makes no sense
Sometimes it makes no sense
Sometimes it makes no sense at all
Makes no sense at all, at all
Can't find the meaning of it all
Can't find a...
"
No sense whatsoever.

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