Friday, August 07, 2009

Why I'm not depressed

As I type this I find myself in a difficult position. Right now I'm in my 5th term at Westwood College Online working on a BS in Game Software Development. I got a student loan for the first four terms but was refused this time. So I'm paying out-of-pocket for a portion of the tuition. This is not easy as I am behind the gun, so to speak. A quick synopsis of my situation is -
  • I haven't worked since Nov '04
  • I'm trying to survive on $16,800 a year; to much for government assistance and not enough to live on
  • I have been, according to the state of VA, homeless since Spring of '05
  • I have trouble trying to sit, stand or walk and need a wheelchair to go out and about
  • Due to the above I have become a virtual recluse
  • I'm trying to keep my son from getting into trouble; he thinks he's Tupac or Biggie Smalls
  • and lastly, I'm trying to handle all of this while in constant pain
The pain is 24/7 and it's bad enough to be the primary thought in my consciousness. It also pervades my subconscious as most of my dreams are about being in pain. So why am I not depressed?

Two reasons; one, the meds that I'm on include three anti-depressants and two, I'm really in to much pain to be depressed. In fact, it's a major undertaking to just get a bit of my schoolwork done each day. Having some kind of social life would help but it's hard to meet people if you don't leave the house. I'm living with my brother and mother in his house. She's, well, let's say past retirement age. And he's on disability do to something being wrong with his lungs. He's on oxygen all day and night. They spend their time downstairs in the family room (it has a 56" TV) while I'm up in the living room or my bedroom. My days have very little human interaction.

I just looked at the time. It's 01:45 and I really need to hit the hay. Hell, I'm already 65% asleep as it is. If I weren't I wouldn't be here all whining and feeling sorry for myself. Things will be better in the morning, though. Everyday that I wake up is a good day.
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1 comment:

  1. We should enjoy our worries, they may never happen again.