Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Just a cranky old code hacker sinking in quicksand

Something has occurred to me recently. I'm becoming more and more disenchanted with computers. More specifically, hacking on computers. You see, I am a techie by birth; it's genetic. I still love playing with technology, especially related to computers and the Internet. But the enjoyment of programming has been fading for a little while now.

This is due to a combination of things, I suppose. Getting dropped from school because my health prevented me from keeping a good course completion percentage, my Android phone constently get filled with temp/junk and having the only way to fix be a complete system reset (thus losing all the data and programs on it), and, most recently, the frustration of having Fedora 15 and 16 becoming nearily as difficult to update and configure as MS Windows. I didn't have this much heartburn back in the compile-your-own-kernel, hand-configure-X-and-hope-you-dont-destroy-your-monitor days. Which means I have no interest in doing anything. i.e. I don't want to get out of bed. Sounds like being depressed, huh. It is, and I'm fairly certain that is part of it. But the depressing aspect of all this is that there doesn't seem to be a way I can dig myself out of the hole I'm in.

It's like quicksand. I can't work in my carrier field, nor any blue collar type job, due to my health. Seven years of unemployment have wiped out all savings and now we have trouble just buying food enough to last the month. I started the journey to get a degree in order to be in a better position for finding a job I could work at. I'm one year short of that degree but now I'm told I've used up so much of my financial aid I can't finish school without paying out of pocket. This is, obviously, an impossibility.
Can't work
because I don't have a degree
which I can't get
because I have no income
because I can't work
because I don't have a degree
which I can't get
because I have no income
because...
If it weren't for my son I'd just throw in the towel.
What's the use of trying anymore?

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