Sunday, January 01, 2012

Not looking back; Not looking forward

Another year in the books. For the last week or so there's been an overabundance of "Best of...", "Worst of..." and "A look back..." stories that try to hit the highlights of 2011. There have also been all the "What are your New Years resolutions" and "Plans for the coming year" posts inundating Twitter and Facebook, et. al.

This isn't one of those.

You see, I have some difficulty dealing with the past and future tenses. The past is not significant for the future beyond the fact that it happened. It's like watching a movie. It can be entertaining and, occasionally, educational, but it has little baring on today. And the future hasn't happened so it isn't something to be concerned with. Acknowledged and made allowances for, certainly. But it isn't really here until it's here.

Many people talking about living in the present; living in the "right now." But what they are really talking about is being present. Being aware of what they are doing while they are doing it. This isn't the same thing. Being consciously aware of what you're doing, as opposed to running on autopilot, does not preclude an awareness of the past and future. For me, this isn't generally the case. I know there's a past and a future, of course. But they don't enter into my cognitive processes unless I intentionally, actively concentrate on them. When I do that I lose touch with what I'm supposed to be doing at the moment. Sounds like I have brain damage, doesn't it.

Truth be told, I do. More or less.

For almost 20 years I have been on various medications for treating Fibromyalgia that have cognitive impairment as side effects. Then, about five years ago, I discovered I have Asperger's Syndrome. Between those two, and the times when I was a child and had a fever over 102°F, it's a wonder I can function at all.

So here I am. Starting the new year the same way I've started every other year. Floating along the river of time hoping I end up somewhere. And, while I do have plans for the coming months, it remains to be seen whether I can find enough help to act on those plans.

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