Tuesday, October 05, 2004


Hopelessness. Despair. Depression.

Things aren't going to well at the moment. I've missed 8 strait days of work and they are starting to get a little unhappy there. I've never been out for more than 3 days so this is something serious. It started out just a couple of bad days with the FM but grew into something worse. I'm still feeling the symptoms of the FM but there's something wrong on top of that. The problem is that I am in a hopeless situation and there's nothing I can do about it. Even if I were able to work the full hours I am supposed to that plus my disability check aren't enough to live on. At least not enough for me. I'm not terribly extravagant, though. I know I piss some money away on crap that we don't need. But it's not really that much; maybe averages out to $150/mo. That $150 could definitely be spent wiser but the debt I have wouldn't even be dented by it. The vast majority of the debt is from the death of WebTrek and the divorce. But it's more than money...

I haven't been up to playing with my son in a long time. He's getting stir crazy with nothing to do but play computer games and watch TV. Ok, yes, he could be reading. We're going to start doing that. But that's not going to help let loose the energy that a young boy has. He needs to run and jump and dive and roll. I took him to the local park after school today. We stayed for maybe 30 minutes then I needed to get home. It's hard on him because there's no one to play with. I can understand what he's feeling.

Gods I'm tired. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. I honestly don't know what I'd do if my son wasn't here with me. He's the only thing that keeps me grounded. He keeps me from entertaining some very unhealthy thoughts. I made an appointment to see a shrink tomorrow. I don't believe that they will be able to help me but I need to try something. I mean, I should have been able to go back to work last Wednesday. There's something that is keeping me from doing anything other than lay on the couch and watch ST:DS9 and ST:TNG reruns and the occasional paternity test on the Maury Povich show. You know, I even thought of writing into his show to see if he could do an episode on us people who fall through the cracks. I am medically and physically unable to work yet my retirement is not enough to live on so I much work. And, OC, even if just my retirement is taken into account I make way to much money to qualify for any kind of assistance. To much for help yet not enough to live on. It's the same with Social Security. They say I am not disabled yet I can't quality for Long Term Care because because of my medical situation. It's stupid!

Meanwhile, I'm stuck here trying to keep everything from falling apart so that my son will be ok. I just don't have someone doing the same for me.

I gotta go to sleep. I can hardly keep my eyes open.

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