Tuesday, October 26, 2004

When does depression become despair?

Yesterday I couldn't make it to work. Another day of income lost. I couldn't walk until nearly 1400. How am I supposed to make enough money to support my son? But that wasn't even the real crisis. Something happened that is far worst than that.

I actually, for the very first time in my life, thought of suicide.

This scares me to high heaven, as they say. But the pain levels have been getting higher and higher so even with all the meds I'm taking I hurt so much that it encompasses my conscious thoughts. It's always been there, weighing like a boulder on my back. But it's normally just under the radar. Just under the conscious level. But now it's risen up to become the primary thought of every moment. I can't tune it out and get on with my life. It's blocking my cognitive efforts to do anything except think of the pain.

Now, I know that there are things much more painful than what I'm having. Hell, I had virile spinal meningitis two years ago. I now know what a scale of 10 is on the pain chart. But that was all temporary. All my other experiences with pain are temporary to one extent or another. It is my belief that the vast majority of people only ever experience temporary pain. The kind of pain I'm having is just like the afore mentioned boulder. It's a crushing pain that will not let up. Like being caught in the coils of an anaconda, every time I breath the coils get tighter and tighter. Soon I will not be able to do anything at all but fight the crushing pain. It is quickly becoming the only thought in my mind. It's all ready become the center point of my dreams. I used to have wild and fun and erotic dreams of all kinds. Now it's just pain. Me and pain in my dreams.

This is why the "S" word came into my head. I was finally able to take a shower at around 1500. I'm standing there with the water spraying on my head and face wishing the pain would go. Then, BANG! I think that I could slit my wrists (or some better place) and just bleed out in the shower. It wouldn't make a mess and I could just sit down and let the warm water spray on me as I slowly lose consciousness. Clean and fairly non-painful.

The real scary part of this, though, is that whenever these kind of thoughts would invade my subconscious I would just think of my son and I'd be able to push those thoughts back. This time when I thought of my son the pain was at such a level that I actually decided to let him live with my sister and her family when I'm gone. He'd have two parents who'd love him and two sisters to play with him. He'd be better off with them.

All of this thinking took about 5 minutes, I'd guess. I was finally able to push it back down out of conscious thought. But the fact that it did break through is beyond frightening to me. What if it comes back stronger next time? What if it comes back at all? What do I do? The pain isn't going away and I'm starting to see death as a viable way to deal with it. This is not something I can do. I need to be here for my son and also for the rest of my family. Killing yourself makes your problems go away but brings on more pain and anguish to those around you. I love my family and friends to much to cause them that kind of pain. But my pain doesn't give a rats ass what I want. If it keeps getting stronger, as it has been for over the past few months now, I don't know if I'll be able to keep these kind of thoughts out of my head.

I just don't know.

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