Sunday, October 31, 2004

October 31st


I'm feeling really bad so my brother brought my son over to trick-or-treat. We normally get together at their house with my sisters family and go through that neighborhood. I hope he has a good take this year. We usually do pretty good. If I wasn't so desperate with money I would have bought a costume for myself.

It's getting really difficult to try and do anything these days. I'm feeling crushed by the world. It's bearing down on me so hard I'm going to get crunched into pancake. Life and the FM and work and everything is becoming to heavy. I can't see a way out of this. I've said that before, haven't I? Well, it's the truth. I can't work but I can't not work. It's hopeless.

I had more thoughts of killing myself today. Just a fleeting passage of a flicker of a thought. But it was there, none the less. I kinda wonder how I'd do it, though. I don't have a gun so I can't shoot myself. Hanging or any kind of asphyxiation is out. My "death fear" is not breathing. No drowning or suffocating or some such. I can always slit my wrists or some other body part and bleed out. I'd have to do it on a weekend when my son is with his mother and I don't want that. I've got a boatload of meds I'm taking but I don't know if OD'ing on them would work. Guess I'm not really committed to offing myself. If I were I'd know how I'd do it. Still, it's a real worry that the thought even exists. But the thought exists because the pain has reached a very serious level. It even infects my dreams.

I'm to trashed to go into anything right now. I'm doing my "asleep at the wheel" impression.

Time for bed.

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