Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Why? Simply, why?

There has to be a reason. Doesn't there? I mean, we're not talking about the immaculate reception. Why the pain? Why the debilitating, crushing, grinding pain? Why the weakness and numbness? Isn't the pain enough? Why do all the meds I take impair cognitive abilities? Why is it getting worse? Why can't I get some help? I know that I am my worst enemy in many ways (just ask my mother about my [not] getting a flu shot). I missed two appointments; one with the talker and one with the doctor. The former was really more important than the latter but I can't get a hold of the practitioner to try and reschedule. I think she's decided that I am not worth "treating" and am not in a great need of her services. If that's the case then she'll be in for a surprise when I end up in the emergency room with slits on my wrists.

Speaking of which, in a former post I had pondered about how I would do the deed. This weekend would be a good time for it. He'll be with his mother (at least he is supposed to be with her) so I could just hole up and bleed out. It's supposed to be fairly painless and you just pass out and die. Not an unpleasant thought, really. If the warm water would hold out the wrist slitting in the shower thing does seem the best way. But we're getting into the cold time of year here in the northern hemisphere so the hot water doesn't last that long. It would need to last until I lost consciousness. I really hate taking a cold shower.

I also hate getting into a cold pool. My son has no hesitations. He's a water baby and will not get out of the pool even when his lips and fingers are blue and he's chattering so hard he can hardly talk. He swims like a fish and fears nothing when it comes to water play. Luckily last summer Grandma was able to take the kids to the pool at the country club. The girls are good but he is great. His mother was a great swimmer and $DEITY knows he didn't get my physique, thankfully. He's going to be a great athletes in whatever sport he will play. I think it'll have running as a bases for it, though. Running is his #1 favorites thing to do. Well, that and watching cartoons. Kinda contradictory there, huh?

Hmm... This is an interesting post. I started out with the pain into suicide thing then moved over to my son. And damned if talking about him didn't completely distract me from the black thoughts. It is true. A truth so strong and fundamental as to be gospel... Without him I would have already committed suicide. Definitely. No question. No him? No reason for a me? Why? Because I have no other benefit I can give to society. I cost more than I produce so I run at a loss. No business can run at a loss and survive for long. And the reason for this is the pain and weakness and pain and numbness and pain I have from the FM.

So, we're full circle. Why? Why must I fight against so much pain? Why do I have such a wonderful boy? Why is the desire to end the pain using drastic measures becoming so strong? Why is it that my only hold on life is my son? Why isn't there SOMETHING out there that could help me?

To quote a great man, "This shit is really fucked, man."


  1. Okay, other than you, me, and your computer, who else knows you've been thinking these thoughts?

  2. Hey erat. Not many peopld do.

  3. Would those people include your family? It's possible you're not getting the help you need because people don't understand how badly you need the help. It's something to consider.

  4. My family knows about the clinical depression but not the thoughts of "the big ending". I have been to a psychiatrist and was perscribed wellbutrin. That has helped (and also got me to quit smoking). I was supposed to see a psycotherapist but missed that appointment. Now I can't get a hold of her. She probably thinks I'm faking it all and not calling back because of that. Oh well...

  5. I doubt the psychotherapist is avoiding you... It's his/her job to get to the bottom of stuff like this, even if they think you're faking it (the money they'll get is still green). There must be something else, like messages are not being forwarded, or you're calling the wrong number, or... Or you're being avoided. :) (Honestly, I doubt that's the case.)

    It may be time to swallow some pride and let your family know what's on your mind. Feeling like you're all alone with this is probably making things worse than they need to be. You have enough crap to deal with; keeping secrets from your loved ones doesn't help. The kid doesn't need to know, of course, at least not yet.

    Just my $0.02. I'm not in your situation so I can't claim to know what all the issues are. It just seems like something your family needs to know. If you really are at a point where there's nothing to lose, it should be a doable thing. Who knows? Maybe they can help.

  6. Yeah, you're right. Especially after the events of yesterday (Thursday). See main blog entries.